I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
