I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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