I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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