If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
