I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
