You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
