Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
