You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
