I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
