I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
