You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
