I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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