uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize