I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
