It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
