This dress was meant to end up on your floor
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
