You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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