I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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