This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
