I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
