Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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