it's too hot outside to masturbate.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
