did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish I only lived at night.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
