She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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