Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
