His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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