Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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