You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
