I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
