Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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