I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
