Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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