he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
