Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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