My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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