I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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