I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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