My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
