He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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