I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
