I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
