the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
