the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
