Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish my penis had an off switch
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Text me some of your sweat
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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