Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
