I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
