He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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