this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
