I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
