ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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