The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
