I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
