my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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