I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
