I feel like abortions should bother me more
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
